Message Replying To

From clarity, Age 16

well, i guess i am "new" here. i hope this place will inspire me to lose weight...about 5 months ago, i was in a real ditch. I hated myself sooo much. Everyday i woould wake up to a day of hell. There was never anything to look forward and i was miserable. I probably thought about my weight at least 30 times a day. I HATE IT, and back then it wasnt good for my health in EVERY way. I couildnt even run a block without being out of breath, and i can not find any clothes. Also, the whole weight thing, plus other issues lead to self mutilation. I started to cut my arms with razor blades and knives. It seemed so good, to hurt something i hated so much. After a while i relized how stupid it was to have done that. I felt so ashamed to do sh*t like that. I was on the upswing, although i did not like my weight, i started to deal with some of my problems, and started to feel alot better about my self. I had an excellent 3 months, filled with people and things i love...(including food, which wasnt that great).....slowly i began eating more and more, and more frequently. i started eating because i was slowly again, becoming depressed about my physical shape. I would hide in my room for hours and days, crying and eating, and not being able to stop. A couple weeks ago, i got out the trusty razor blade, and made 5 neat cuts across my arms. They were deep, and are just healing now. My parents noticed one day when my shirt sleeve came up...i made a feeble story about a barbred wire fence. I relized today, this morning, how much trouble i am in. If i dont take care of my weight problem soon, i am worried my self mutilation will go further...it scares me, but at the same time, it feels so good, so relieving...i feel scared, and i wanna lose weight REALLY bad...i am 259 lbs, but i am quite muscly, so i dunno what my ideal weight is. thank you all for listening to me rant, it feels good to get it off the shoulders..any input would be very helpfullll.